Let's go back in time to the beginning of my feelings. I am pregnant with William. Heavenly Father has blessed me with a really strong body and an ability to do. I have painted, hauled, lifted, and refinished things on my own for years. Capable, independent, flawed. The only time in my life when I am unable to do do on my own is when I am pregnant. When I am pregnant I need help, intervention like help. Simultaneously, my life is falling apart. My days are spent in tears with a sister whose husband has lost his job right before Christmas, tears with my sister in-law who has faced a most difficult time in her life, tears that my parents marriage of 40 yrs. has become strained, awkward, and uncomfortable to be around, and tears that I have a chance of spending time in the NICU again with another preemie.
Help! I need help. I want to help all of these people, but how? I do my best to listen, encourage, and show my love and support to them. I have friends who have had babies, surgeries, difficult times in their lives and so I do my best to take in a meal, send a text, email, whatever I can to just give a little support. But I don't yet realise that I can't really do anything to help them fix their problems so I continue to pray and to worry and to listen. Flawed. Apparently, worrying isn't really great for your blood pressure because William was sick of me worrying and quite honestly I thought the blood clots I had for months were going to kill me, so William was born. At 4.1 he was almost double his sister, but still not healthy enough to go home. The others problems had not gone away and now I had more of my own. The Lord has blessed me with wonderful family, friends, and neighbours. People came out of the wood work that I hadn't ever dreamed to bring a gift for the baby or a meal. I felt loved by many and supported by many. Yet, when you are struggling yourself you really want the love, compassion, and support of those closest to you. I had many gifts, but needed someone who could look beyond their struggles and be the friend and listening ear. I didn't want to hear "it could be worse," I wasn't looking for pity, just encouragement. This came, but not in the places I expected it to come.
Expectations. Suck. I wish I didn't have them, I try hard to not, but I do. Things seemed to be doing better, the baby was born and I was feeling healthy and strong again, but some problems hadn't gone away. My parents never fought. Ever. I was informed one day that my parents were going to be separating, no answers, just that they were 2 ships that had sailed in opposite directions. Confused? Join the club. Like any other child of divorce I felt abandoned, inadequate, insecure, wanting of my parents love and approval as a unified front not separated. What do I ask? How do I behave? I am deathly afraid of disappointing so what now? I am an adult, my parents are adults, but I want to lay on the floor and pound my fists like a 2 yr. old having a fit. So, I do nothing....but cry. Flawed. I continue to work hard at being a good mom, daughter, friend, dance teacher, serving in my callings, trying hard to not let anyone down or to disappoint. Way too many balls in the air for someone in my emotional state. Trying not to disappoint and expecting someone to save me. 2 flaws.
Mini miracles. The stress that I had internalised over the past year had helped thin the top of my hair. A ball cap became my BFF. It was time for another marathon. The good Lord blessed me with friends I could laugh and cry with; bowling became a saving grace, running, play group, and the ever beautiful faces of my children. A couple of friends and family members texted, called, or emailed me everyday, laughing, crying, and helping me trudge along. My dad moved out the day of the Marathon. I crossed the finish line, gave him a hug, and off he drove. Heart aching, I walked back to the side lines and received glorious hugs and loves from friends and family that had made the time to come and see me finish. I learned that day as I had the Marathon before what it meant to be a good friend and family member, expectations exceeded. I continue to grieve my parents separation, but move forward with my life, doing better. Much better. The other important people in my life are doing better, which makes me happy for them. Less stress, worry, and tears for a half of a second, but enough to regroup.
You want me to what? John told me he was offered the opportunity to move to London. YES, this would be the perfect way to escape the disappointment I feel from people I have loved and served. Flawed. Okay, reality set in and I realised it would be a terrible time to leave, but the right thing to do. I consented and continued to learn about those who serve and those who receive service. Overwhelmed by the people who are busy, because let's face it... EVERYONE is busy, but still make time to help me. Examples of hard workers "work horses" who are there showing me why it is important to serve others. I got the house packed, cleaned, and moved into my mom's not alone, but with help.
From this point I have thought and contemplated about the disappointment I felt in my life the past year and a half. Do I try too hard? Is it normal to feel this? How many people have I unknowingly disappointed? Is it okay to feel disappointment? Do I expect too much? Flawed. I think there is a YES to all of these questions, but changing the way you feel is really hard. I have prayed most fervently to be forgiven of my feelings, to change, to serve and love but expect nothing in return. Though I have prayed I must say it is still hard for me, really hard. I know that the Atonement is real, I turn to my Father regularly to help me escape my mortal flaws. I am continually working to be better at understanding why some lift where they stand and others are continually lifted? I am sorry, if I have disappointed anyone. It has not been any intention of mine to disappoint, like me, I pray that you will be able to let go of any hurt I have caused by possibly not "being there" when you needed it.
I am trying to turn over a new leaf and understand more about agency and accountability. I have found comfort in knowing that we are all accountable for our choices both good and bad. I have learned a lot the past year and a half. I am not responsible for the choices people make, it doesn't matter if I work harder, try more, or am a better person, people will still do what they want to do. The part I must work on is accepting whatever people give, big or small, it needs to be enough. I have also learned that any effort I give can be enough, it doesn't always have to be above and beyond. People can accept my effort as enough as I strive to accept theirs. Maybe when I change my expectations I will become less flawed.
I have been examining my New Years resolutions for this next year. Doing and serving without expectations is at the top of my list. Loving people despite their actions is at the top of my list. And of course continuing to try not to disappoint the people I love is at the top of my list. I know that I have been very blessed and will always try to use my blessings to bless the lives around me, if I can. Here's to a New Year with fewer flaws and fewer tears more laughter and great new friendships.
No comments:
Post a Comment